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Spoiler Free Quick Review: Jupiter Ascending



Stars: Channing Tatum, Mila Kunis, Eddie Redmayne
Theatrical Release Date: February 6, 2015
Synopsis: In a bright and colorful future, a young destitute caretaker gets targeted by a ruthless son of a powerful family that live on a planet in need of a new heir, so she travels with a genetically engineered warrior to the planet in order to stop his tyrant reign.
Related Product: Watch a Wachowski movie that doesn't suck: The Matrix
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The Good

It's not Lucy

The Bad

  • Boring characters
  • Predictable plot
  • Uneven visuals
  • Recycled Matrix concepts
  • Dialogue that alternates between painful and narcoleptic

Bottom Line

If you’re a Mila Kunis, Channing Tatum, or Wachowskis fan, and you want to remain one, you’re probably going to want to skip Jupiter Ascending.

Posted February 9, 2015 by

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This Quick Review is spoiler-free.

This tweet pretty much sums up my feelings on Jupiter Ascending:

It’s fair to say that Jupiter Ascending, the latest Wachowski sci-fi “epic,” starring Mila Kunis and Channing Tatum, underwhelms.

The basic plot of Jupiter Ascending – and trust me, everything about this movie is basic, generic, and bland – revolves around Mila Kunis’ character, Jupiter Jones. Jupiter is a dissatisfied housekeeper by day, who turns out to be galactic royalty. That’s not really a spoiler, considering all of the trailers for the film share that information. As a matter of fact, if you watched the trailer above, you’ve seen an abridged and improved version of Jupiter Ascending.

The film’s two hours are primarily divided between watching Channing Tatum’s character doing a Dorothy Hamill impression on his sky skates, and listening to various characters drone on and on about… something. I stopped caring after the first half dozen monologues.

Uninteresting characters and boring dialogue aren’t the only problems with Jupiter Ascending. The visual effects are also very uneven. For example, the primary bad guy bosses around a race of dragonoids that sometimes are really well done and at other times look like a kindergartner got carried away with MS Paint.

Speaking of bad guys… whoo boy. You know your movie has a problem when the entire audience bursts out in awkward laughter at the antagonist’s over-the-top moment that was intended to show just how serious and scary he really is. The average office staff meeting has more imposing villains than Jupiter Ascending.

My final gripe with Jupiter Ascending is the film’s attempt to make you forget you’re being served a crap sandwich, by throwing random nudity at the audience. Whether it’s Jupiter’s completely unnecessary friend, delivering completely unnecessary dialogue in her lingerie, or Jupiter’s kinda, sorta space mom, giving her kinda, sorta space daughter a display of the royal goods after taking a public bath, Jupiter Ascending isn’t lacking for gratuitous skin-for-the-sake-of-skin scenes and borderline space incest references. In fact, Channing Tatum’s character, the human/wolf “splice” with the god-awful pointy ear prosthetics, spends so much time running around shirtless, I half expected to see Jupiter sporting a Team Jacob t-shirt.

In the end, Jupiter Ascending is a whole lot of tedium with very little payoff. Rating: Earth yawning.

Tim Wells

Dad, husband, gamer, blogger, geek. Not necessarily in that order.