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Posted December 17, 2009 by Tim Wells in Family

Dear Tim, Welcome to Wisconsin

Green Bay Packers Fans

Get used to it, Bucko.

Dear Twenty-Five-Year-Old Tim,

This is the thirty-six year-old version of yourself, sending an important message back in time. Yes, we have that technology now. We also have flying cars and self-heating Hot Pockets. Just go with it.

I know that you’re currently trying to decide whether or not to leave Washington and move to Wisconsin with your fiance, Dawn. I thought I’d pass along some info to aid in your decision. Lately, you’ve been hearing Wisconsin-related myths about winters so cold that they’ll freeze a man’s blood solid, summers so hot that there’s an ever-present danger of spontaneous combustion, and mosquitoes the size of humming birds. Yes, those are all true. But I have a few tips that can help you traverse this harsh, unforgiving landscape.

First, there are a few terms you need to research and become intimately familiar with:

  • Snow blower
  • Clothes layering
  • Central air

You should also spend some time familiarizing yourself with the local culture. The dominant religious faction in Wisconsin is something called “Packerism”. Try not to be overwhelmed by the plethora of various symbols devoted to their dieties, which you will see prominently displayed – anywhere and everywhere – throughout the state. The practitioners of Packerism tend to congregate weekly, in the parking lot of their main temple in Green Bay, and pay tribute to their green and gold gods by partaking in feasts consisting mainly of beer and brats.

“What’s a brat,” you say? Well, don’t tell the locals I said this, but brats are greasy sacks of disgusting meat. Basically, a smaller version of Michael Moore. They appear to be some form of sausage/hotdog mutation. Much like Samson’s long hair, the brat is what gives Packerites their strength.

Next, I thought I’d give you a look into what the future has in store for you, here in Wisconsin.

Your first employer thinks he’s a werewolf. Don’t be too alarmed. You actually become pretty close friends. You eventually go your separate ways, after he tries to recruit you into the cult he’s forming. I wish I could tell you I’m making this up. On the bright side, this job will lead to other amazing friendships. Plus, you’ll have some great bedtime stories to tell your children.

Oops! Did I just let the “c” word slip? We’ll get to that in a bit.

After renting for eleven years, you will eventually buy your first house. I know your goal was to be a home-owner by the time you were thirty-five, but I think we can live with a one-year differential. It’s a nice house and has plenty of room for your family. However, you should be prepared to build an addition for all the crap your mother-in-law is going to find for you at yard sales. You see, she’s like a Thrift Sale Terminator and trying to override her primary directive is a pointless endeavor. For the sake of your sanity, I recommend you don’t even try. Aside from the obsessive yard sale looting, your in-laws are pretty awesome people. You’ll hold them in high regard.

I’m sure you have more questions about your future. I don’t want to give too much away, but I can tell you that, as of this writing, you are the webmaster for a local school district. No, it’s not a glamorous position but it also doesn’t make you long for death like some of the tech support positions you’ll have, leading up to it.

You can stop drinking Ensure to try to gain weight. Thanks to the Thrift Sale Terminator’s cooking skills and your inability to find a suitable dojo to continue your martial arts training here, you’ll be putting on a few more pounds than you anticipated. Think of it as insulation to help with the Wisconsin weather conditions.

Your dream of writing a book and becoming a published author hasn’t yet become a reality. But you’ve written a few blogs, here and there. Small victories, right?

Of course, we need to discuss your real reason for contemplating this move. I know you’re pretty smitten with Dawn right now. Let me tell you something. Are you listening? What you’ve got with her right now is nothing compared to what’s in store. I’m still amazed, every day, at how great your future wife is. Not only does she put up with your idiosyncracies, but, with her support, you will do things you never thought possible, like going back to school and rediscovering your faith in God. Yes, Tim, these days you are truly blessed.

Whatever you have on the “cons” side of your pros and cons list, do us both a favor and cross them off. I don’t want you to miss out on the next decade with your wonderful wife and fourteen kids.

Aw, crap. I let the cat out of the bag. Well, now that you know, you might want to start working on toning down that potty mouth of yours. “Little ears” and all.


The Older, Fatter, and Happier Version of You.

Tim Wells

Dad, husband, gamer, blogger, geek. Not necessarily in that order.