Spoiler-Free Quick Review: Noah
The good news: if you’re a nature-worshiping vegan with no friends, your chances of surviving a world-ending apocalypse are way better than most.
The bad news: the rest of us are screwed.
Before I get into any specifics, here’s the super quick version of this Quick Review, which I shared to my Facebook wall, immediately after watching Noah:
I wasn’t expecting Noah to be a completely accurate retelling of the Bible story, and I went to the film with an open mind. But even the most open of minds couldn’t change the fact that Noah is a movie about dirty, grungy, miserable people, being dirty, grungy, and miserable. And rain. Lots and lots of rain.
I didn’t hate Noah because it didn’t do the original story justice. I hated it because it’s a preachy, unnecessarily long, boring movie in which I couldn’t have cared less about what happened to any of the characters. And when I say “preachy,” I’m not talking about the biblical story of God cleansing the earth of sin. I’m talking about the movie’s constant, in-your-face message that the earth belongs to the truly innocent – the animals – and the rest of us are just messing it up for them.
There was a point where Noah said, “I have failed you,” and my first thought was, “You’ve got that right, pal. Can I have my ten bucks back?”
I did get a kick out of the fact that the earth’s only vegetarian family spends half the movie screaming for “Ham” (Noah’s son). For that reason alone, I award Noah a half star out of five.
Have you seen Noah?
Leave your own rating, by clicking the USER RATING stars at the top of this review. And let me know what you thought of the movie, in the comments below!